How to Get the Most out of Relationship Therapy

Relationship therapy is a brave undertaking.  Often, people are seeking relationship therapy after struggling and suffering in their relationship for a very long time.   At least one of you is desperate for things to change.  You feel part hopeful and part scared as you invite a person outside your relationship into this private space where you’ve carried such a mix of feelings—love, fear, hope, grief.   You hope your suffering will be seen and your partner challenged to grow and change.  I want this for you too.

In relationship therapy, wanting “things” to change often means each person in the relationship is hoping their partner will change.  This is totally understandable; after all, each of you has had  a front row seat to the challenges involved in being in this relationship with the other.  Having your suffering understood and validated by a relationship therapist can bring real relief, especially when a relationship has been painful and confusing. And as the work unfolds, effective relationship therapy invites a shift in focus away from one’s partner and toward what each person has agency to shape: their own choices, responses, and ways of relating. This invitation to shift focus is the heart of what makes relationship/couples therapy uniquely hard, though it can also be beautiful, rewarding, and growth-inspiring.

A common factor underlying couples therapy models is that of maintaining a relational frame for understanding relationship challenges (Lebow & Snyder, 2022).   In other words, couples therapists are trained to look at relationship challenges as belonging not to one person in the relationship but rather as a self-perpetuating cycle where each person’s actions or stance serve to keep the same relational process happening over and over.  It’s important to note that this doesn’t necessarily imply that everyone in the relationship has equal contribution to problems.   Feminist thought leaders in the 1980s gave relationship therapists a lasting gift by noting that context, access, and power matter deeply to how we think of contribution to problems (Goldner, 1985; Hare-Mustin, 1987).  While these thought pioneers were primarily talking about gender-based imbalances in power, access, and privilege, the idea applies to other facets of identity.

In my work as a relationship therapist, I don’t automatically assume equal contribution to relationship challenges.  Indeed, the contribution ratio could look like 97/3, 50/50,10/90, or anything in between.   However, I also believe that each partner’s liberation, clarity, and peace lies in focusing on what is in their power to change or to do or to keep doing.  The beauty is that as you become more clear in what matters to you, who you feel good about being in the relationship, and what you can do to support the experience you want, something more clear will likely begin to emerge. 

Here are some prompts to help you get the most out of relationship therapy.  These questions are designed to help you clarify how you want to live and relate, and what is in your power to enact and be, regardless of what your partner does.

·       What is the experience I want to be having in this relationship, going forward?  (A tip:  if it’s hard to name the experience you want to have, start by naming what you don’t want, and  from there work toward naming what you do want.)

·       Now, zoom out:  Describe this ideal, 6 months from now.  Go for wonderful, not just okay or probable.  Make sure to include what you are doing, thinking, and feeling in this ideal reality.

·       Next, zoom in.   What could I do in the next week to get a little closer to this reality?  Find things that speak to the person you want to be and would feel proud to be.  (If it’s something you’re already doing, well done!  Write it down by saying “I will continue to…”)

·       What supports do I need to make this happen?   What can I do to help myself get that support?  If you don’t know, that’s okay.  Therapy can help!

·       Now, pick one thing from your “do in the next week” list to try as an experiment.   See what happens as you try this out over the next week or two.  From an interpersonal neurobiology perspective, consistency over time, along with attention and a supportive context, are important for change to occur as actions become new neural pathways (Siegel, 2012). Whatever happens as a result of this experiment will give you useful information about you, your partner, and your relationship to build on.

As you focus on who you want to be, what you want to experience, and how you want to live and relate, something more clear, clean, and true will likely emerge. 

References

Goldner, V. (1985). Feminism and family therapy. Family Process, 24(1), 31-47.

Hare‐Mustin, R. T. (1987). The problem of gender in family therapy theory. Family process, 26(1), 15-27.

Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(4), 1359-1385.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

This article is modified from the clinical work of Pete Pearson, one of the creators of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy.